I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
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Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
When the stylist spins you back around
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.