It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
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My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
This took me a second..
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket