Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
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Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?