There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
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You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Me :
All Day At Night
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.