Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
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If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph