[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
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Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*