ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
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Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Trumpy Cat
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.