[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
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cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit