Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
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If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.