[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
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Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.