I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
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I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?