[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
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Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.