I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
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It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.