Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
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I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign