[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
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For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
set yourself free xox
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged