Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
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If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.