May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
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Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they鈥檙e from me.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I鈥檓 good.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I鈥檝e heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I鈥檇 like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 馃槧.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he鈥檚 just not that into you
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.