does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
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People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.