Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
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I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing: