[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
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[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down