Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
You Might Also Like
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script