I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
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Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Worth a try
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?