Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
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*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
how to have an accident 101
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.