ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
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People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
🤣dope
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal