I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
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Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
How software testing works
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
But I really needed water water water
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
idk what he going thru but i feel him
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
My dream job is getting paid to dream
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.