CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
You Might Also Like
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Warm pools make me nervous.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.