TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
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College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
A little too much information.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it