I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King