My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
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BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry