[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
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Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.