*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
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I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues