HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
You Might Also Like
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
fr
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious