they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
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me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky