I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
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I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter