“Miss me yet?” – 2019
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thank god
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.