Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
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Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Note to self: I am a note
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
a public service announcement
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday