[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
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Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
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6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
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Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
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thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
“Hi”
My name is
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My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
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him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good