The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
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Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami