I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
You Might Also Like
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Cool shirt 🙂
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner