I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
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It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.