I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
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I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]