It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
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I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.