Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
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[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
wish me luck lads
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried