I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
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[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave