Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
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MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Why is everyone getting married at me
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Meme Monday.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]