this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
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If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
That’s it.I’m out.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples: