[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
You Might Also Like
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.