Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
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Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.