barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
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Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*