A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
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“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Breaking news:
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”